The Dichotomy that is the Disparity

I don't know why it finally hit me, but it finally did. Maybe it's because of the NBA referees' extended holdout and the Association's decision to go with replacement refs for a while. Or maybe it's because when I performed my semi-annual "Tim Donaghy Status Check" (embattled former NBA referee sentenced to 15 months in Federal Prison for his participation in an illegal gambling ring), I discovered that Donaghy, who was due to be released later this month, was actually transferred to a recovery house back in June after a fellow prisoner, allegedly with New York Mob ties, took a paint roller extension bar and busted up Donaghy's knee, which required surgery! Or maybe it's because it's that time of the year, the only time of the year in fact, when all three All-American sports converge into one; with baseball, football and basketball games on display every day of the week for a small window of time.




It's really only during this unique time of the year when you get to witness the dichotomy that is the disparity of physiques between MLB umpires and NFL/NBA referees. I'm sure you've noticed this before. You'll be watching a NBA game and you'll think to yourself, wow, that ref has some really enviable arms, he must really hit the weights. Or you'll be watching an NFL game and you'll see Ed Hochuli face the scorer's box, flip on his mic and then make the "holding" sign while his right bicep tears away the seams of his skin-tight zebra costume, and you'll think to yourself, this dude should be the one in pads. (He actually played linebacker for UTEP and now he's a successful lawyer while he refs on the side.)

And then you'll be watching a little MLB postseason, and you'll see an ump go extra emphatic on a strike three call, and it may give you pause, and you might even wonder how many Krispy Kremes the man downed during the seventh inning stretch. Even with the chest protector under their shirt to add "pseudo-bulk," I've never once been inspired by a MLB umpire to count my carbs or cut back on my McDouble consumption levels. Well I guess that's not entirely true. The inspiration is there, but it's the same kind of inspiration I get from Jerry Springer's contestants; it just works in reverse.



But this is no laughing matter because on the one hand, you have Sports Illustrated writing articles about how in shape NFL refs are. And you also have a freaking 70 year-old NBA ref Dick Bavetta (the Brett Favre of the referee kingdom) who has never missed an assigned game since 1975 keeping up with the likes of Kobe Bryant and Dwayne Wade running up and down the court night in and night out. This is also the same man who got all bloodied up after laying out for the finish line at a charitable race against Charles Barkley during the 2007 NBA All-Star weekend. These guys are examples to men everywhere, because unlike the NFL and NBA players whose Adonis-esque physiques appear utterly unattainable for the average American man, when we see these normal men rocking man muscles running along side these athletic gods it gives us a little hope. Just like the 45 year old white haired guy you see at the community pool with six-pack abs playing with his kids that makes you really jealous because he looks better than you and you're still in your twenties. Yeah, just like that guy.



And then on the other hand you've got MLB umpires dying of heart attacks and strokes in their 50s and 60s. One such umpire, John McSherry, I'm sad to report, died on opening day 1996 after calling only 7 pitches behind the plate at a Reds game. He weighed over 300 lbs and suffered a massive heart attack right on the field.

I've got to imagine that calling 9 innings behind the plate on a July afternoon at Wrigley Field wearing 50 pounds of pads and sporting a facemask must be the most physically taxing of the 3 sports to call, and yet the MLB boys don't seem to really pay much attention to their cardiovascular health!

But then again maybe it's just a reflection of the sport in general. Baseball is the only sport to my knowledge where the managers still wear the players' uniforms. Could you imagine Utah Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan sporting a pair of John Stockton daisy-dukes while he dropped a series of expletives in a ref's face? Could you imagine Denver Broncos Coach Josh McDaniels hugging receiver Brandon Marshall at a post game conference while wearing shoulder pads and eyeblack? And baseball is the only sport to my knowledge wear a guy with the nickname "Kung Fu Panda" can start at the relatively glamorous and athletically demanding position of third base. That's why UCONN's Khalid El-Amin never would have made it in the NBA, he should have played 3rd for the Giants for crying out loud!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in Baseball nobody really gives a flying flip what the hell you look like. You can be a 100 year old man wearing a baseball uniform charging the mound and getting flung around like a helicopter by Pedro Martinez (Don Zimmer) and we don't care. You can have a big beer belly and bad facial hair and still throw a perfect game (David Wells). You can have a big beer belly and bad facial hair and (I'm sad to report) no testicles and still make the All-Star team (John Kruk).



So what incentives do the MLB umps have to look their best when everyone around them looks just a silly and just as out of shape?

Raising umpire life expectancy beyond 60 years old could be a good place to start. Who knows, maybe they can get Dan Marino or Mike Golic to help with a NutriSystems endorsement deal?

I'm Little Boy Blue and I'm 6'2 soaking wet, Peace and Prosperity-

Please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

The Kernkraft 400

Gentlemen...start your engines!

What exactly is Kernkraft 400? Is is the best NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Race you've never heard of? Maybe in the Nationwide Series? It's not IndyCar is it?

Hell no. And if you get your jollies from watching a bunch of geriatrics (Mark Martin, only 50 years old, really??) dominate a sport where grown men drive in circles for 5 hours and finish at the same place they started, and the most athletic thing you can expect to see all day is a Carl Edwards backflip off the top of his Ford Fusion, then this is not the blog for you. And we recommend you just take your kids to a freaking carousel for crying out loud.

Moving on. Ironically, everyone but NASCAR fans is probably intimately familiar with Kernkraft 400. They just don't know it yet.

To help refresh your memory, take a listen to the video below:



That my friends is Kernkraft 400. What's with this song? Which arena pumped it through the loudspeakers first? And how in sam-hell did it permeate throughout every major US sporting venue from minor-league hockey outfits to major-league baseball stadiums?

For whatever reason, a lot of fans want to claim that their team or school was the first to discover and pioneer this tune, and bring it forth out of the relative obscurity of underground pacifier-laden European dance clubs to the US equivalents of the Amsterdam Ajax, but no one, not even Wikipedia, knows for sure which team got this bad boy spreading like a Baltimore County STD in the first place.

Here's what we do know. The song was written by the German electro-techno-tecmo super bowl band reverently referred to as Zombie Nation. Great. The song Kernkraft 400 apparently means "Nuclear Energy 400" in German. It was released in 1999 and reached the #1 spot on the charts in Greece that same year. Wonderful.

Here's my beef (100% USDA approved to you Mr.Wienerschnitzel). As US sports fans, we can't even get "the wave" going anymore even when the topless token drunk guy is in the front row leading the way during the "kiss cam" timeout, and we need the most dumbfoundingly repetitious and lyric-less song to get us N'rhythm, N'sync, and most of all, N'volved. But as unclever Americans without cheers of our own, it's like we're robots, or maybe even zombies that can't help ourselves from getting up and screaming and jumping along with this unsanctimonious song. Seriously, next time you're at a sporting event, any one, it doesn't matter, observe the riotous reaction that this song elicits from the most fair-weathered of fans. As a Nation, we love it. We're addicted to it. And that's why I hate it.

Check out this amateur video from some Euro Arsenal fan. These Euros even have songs for individual players!:



Now compare that to these Gonzaga hoops fans:



How about the Nittany Lion football fans:



Terps fans, this guy gets a little winded:



Wake Forest, yawn:



The Nats fans were the only ones that apparently had immunity to the song's ill-effects, but you probably couldn't even get them to stand up and cheer for a streaker eluding the authorities out in center field:



You catch my drift. I could go on for hours with videos like these. For Pete's sake we all look like a bunch of zombie paranoid androids!! Is this German song from the 1990's the only thing that gets us stoked anymore? Do we even stand up and sing along during the 7th inning stretch anymore? Do we teach our kids the YMCA by example anymore? Or has the gentle candle flame that is the innocent light in our children's near-sighted little eyes already been extinguished by the sounds of the Zombie Nation? Sheesh.

I think it's a cop out. I think it's unoriginal. And most of all, I think it's dangerous. Check out this article entitled: "UCF to Modify Stadium for Sway"

"Last season, when the song "Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation was played, fans would jump simultaneously, producing a synchronized motion that caused the stadium structure to move. The modifications will be made to decrease the synchronized motion that some fans found uncomfortable, Grant Heston of UCF News and Information said."

Believe me, UCF already has enough problems to worry about, not to mention this $400,000 renovation due to Zombie Nation. Maybe Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones can flip the bill, he knows a thing or two about shotty-structural engineering.

Here's the bottom line. If you think your school or team was the first to play this song, trust me, you weren't. Mine was....just kidding, bad joke. If you think you're something else because the only time your oblong butt gets out of its seat is to jump up and down to the beats of this slanderous song, well think again.

If you want to be original, be the only school or team that doesn't let this bastardized excuse for a song into their arenas. If you want to be original, take a page from the European football fans that have their own songs and chants that they sing in unison throughout the entire match and whose "arsenals" never have to worry about getting dirty or wet because those bastards are on their feet the whole time!!

This is Little Boy Blue and I'm 6'2 soaking wet, Peace and Prosperity-

(I have to admit that the baseball player in the video below made me laugh out loud, well played and touche' young sir.)

Does Kernkraft get you out of your seat at athletic events? Do you prefer Kernkraft or the Macarena? Please share your thoughts.